EXCELLENCE & ETHICS

Updates from December, 2012

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  Sometimes people who are hurting hurt people: Talking to my children about the tragedy at Sandy Hook Elementary

  Matt Davidson posted in Character Blog, Intentional Family Culture at 12:19 pm on December 15, 2012 | 0 Permalink | Reply
  

  I was away from home when the tragedy took place at Sandy Hook Elementary Connecticut Friday, December 14, 2012 and I first learned of the tragedy unfolding early in the day; it was too much to process. By the early afternoon as I sat in the airport watching and listening in horror, I could not stop the tears. My mind jumped from my experience in schools and to all the principals and teachers and schools like Sandy Hook that I had been in and worked with.  We work to make schools that are safe to learn, where there is a culture of respect and trust. In the face of this tragedy, I honestly didn’t know—and don’t know—what to say to the teachers and to schools just yet.  I don’t know what the takeaway is, what the deeper solution is—beyond vigilance and additional security.

  All I could think was, “what will I say to our kids?” How will we explain this to them? How will we help them face the brutal truths of this tragedy, without scarring them or scaring them?  What follows is what I wrote as I tried to think about what my wife and I will say when we talk about this later today. It draws from my experience as a psychologist working with schools on developing character, and working with youth in at-risk environments, but it is written as I will speak it—as a father, to my family and to my kids.  I share it not as the only way to talk to your kids, but one way, our way. We have four children, 3 girls and one boy, ranging in age from 5-10.   They attend a school that looks like Sandy Hook in many ways; it’s a safe school in a good community. I hope that in sharing others who are struggling to make sense of this for themselves might find something useful, something helpful as we try to move forward from this tragedy. What you say to younger kids might be different; how much you include might vary; what you ultimately decide to say to your children might be very, very different.    But I believe you must say something. You must help them make sense of it.

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  Dear Kids,

  Dad and Mom have some very sad news to share with you. It’s hard for us to even find the words to say what we have to say.  Something terrible happened today. A young man in Connecticut who was very troubled got into an elementary school and used a gun to shoot and kill 20 students and 7 teachers.  Mom and I wish more than anything that this had never happened, and that we didn’t even have to tell you about it. But it did happen, and you will hear about it on the news and you will hear kids talking about it and we wanted you to hear it from us.

  I know that you’re probably feeling sad in your heart, that your tummy may feel a little sick—that’s how Mommy and I feel too. We feel so sad for the people who were killed and for their families and friends. We feel angry that that bad things happen and that people hurt other people. We feel scared because we don’t want anything to happen to you. It’s okay to feel all those things and we need to keep talking about how we’re feeling.  You need not worry about those who died. We have no doubt that they are at peace in God’s loving arms. We really need to pray for the parents and families in this community, that they can have courage and strength, that in time they can heal and find peace in their hearts, that they can forgive and let go of the anger they feel in their hearts right now.

  You probably are wondering why would somebody do something so terrible and hurt people like this man did?  The truth is, we really don’t know why this man, or any person would do something terrible like this to others.  But, this young man is obviously sick—not sick like with cancer or diabetes, but sick with a mental illness in his heart and in his head and in his soul. Sometimes people with this kind of mental illness can be so sad or angry or depressed that they do terrible things like this young man did. You know how at school, if you somebody does something to you it can make you angry?  This young man suffers from a different kind of anger. Nobody at this school did anything wrong, or anything to make him angry. He was mad at everybody and he probably wasn’t even sure why. Remember how we talk about the idea that “hurt people, hurt people,” that people who have suffered or are suffering often hurt others?  This young man was hurting, and he hurt others.  It doesn’t make it right, but it can help us to understand why. We can be so angry with him for hurting so many innocent people, but we can also understand that he was a sick man and that sometimes people who are hurting, hurt other people.

  You may be wondering why people couldn’t tell that this man was angry and that he was going to hurt others?  Well, you know how in the movies, when something bad is going to happen and the light gets dark and the music gets scary? You just know that something bad is going to happen. Unfortunately, when someone is sick like this man and they’re angry and they plan to do something bad, it’s a lot harder to tell. This young man was probably sick and suffering in his heart for a long time. Unfortunately, when you’re sick like he was, it’s harder for others to see it and harder for him to get the help he needs. That’s why you need to be kind AND careful: you need to be kind to everyone because you don’t know what kind of pain and suffering they have on the inside, and you don’t know how your small act of kindness might help them. But you need to be careful. There are bad people in the world, and they can be around our home, your school, or at the mall.

  You’re probably wondering if you’re safe and if this couldn’t happen at your school or in our community?  The truth is that something like this could happen anywhere. So we always have to be careful. You have to keep your eyes and ears open and look out for people and situations that look dangerous. It’s just like crossing the street by our house: remember how we tell you, “our road isn’t busy, but it only takes one car driving too fast and one kid not paying attention and we could have a tragedy.”  We still let you ride your bikes. We still let you chase down the balls that go across the street. It’s not dangerous, but you have to pay attention. It’s the same at your school. You’re safe. Your teachers work so hard to make you safe. They have security and cameras and they work with parents to keep you safe. But you still need to be careful.

  You may be wondering what you would do if that happened at your school?  We don’t think it will ever happen here, but it’s still good to be prepared. It’s just like the fire drills you have at school: your school has never had a fire; we hope and pray you never will, but you still practice fire drills. So what can you do if you’re in a situation like this:  first, stay calm and don’t panic! You must stay calm so you can think and listen. Don’t scream and yell; think and listen. If adults are there you listen and act on what they tell you to do. If they are not there, then you look for a way to get out of the building or away from the danger. If you can get out, go quickly away from the danger and look for a place or a person you can trust. If you cannot get out of the building or away from the danger, look for a safe corner to hide, something to get below like a table or into like a closet. Stay low, stay quiet, and stay calm and wait for someone you can trust to come to you. You may have to wait a long time, but just be calm and patient, someone will come for you.

  It’s a very sad time in a very joyous season. This is a very difficult and painful situation. Mom and Dad are heartbroken that this has happened and that you have to know about something this awful. We wish there were no bad people in the world. We wish that nobody was suffering from hunger or poverty, from war or violence, abuse or neglect of any kind. We wish that every child was safe and that every person was happy. But unfortunately, that’s not the way the world is. But, we can be aware and be on guard and we can be careful. We can also be kind to others always and work hard to make sure that we help everyone, especially those who are hurting. We can pray for those who are sick and remember that everybody is struggling with something.

  Remember, that while there are bad people in the world, most people are good. Choose to spend your life working to be kind and make things better for others. The prayer of Saint Francis is one that can help us make sense of this tragedy—for the man who killed, for those he killed, and for those of us who must live in the aftermath of this awful event. It speaks to how we want you to live, how we all need to live so that we can heal from this tragedy and begin making a world where hatred is replaced by peace. Let’s say the words together–not just with our lips, but truly in our hearts:

  Lord, make me an instrument of your peace.

  Where there is hatred, let me sow love.

  Where there is injury, pardon.

  Where there is doubt, faith.

  Where there is despair, hope.

  Where there is darkness, light.

  Where there is sadness, joy.

  O Divine Master,

  grant that I may not so much seek to be consoled, as to console;

  to be understood, as to understand;

  to be loved, as to love.

  For it is in giving that we receive.

  It is in pardoning that we are pardoned,

  and it is in dying that we are born to Eternal Life.

  

   

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  Educating for Conscience AND Competence

  Matt Davidson posted in Character Blog, Character For & From Sports, Excellence & Ethics in Business, Intentional Family Culture, Power2Achieve Community at 4:06 pm on October 12, 2012 | 0 Permalink | Reply
  

  When it comes to the development of character, ethics, and integrity we would do well to heed the wise advice of Blaise Pascal, who famously observed, “the heart has its reason, which reason cannot know.”  Ethical development that targets the head and neglects the heart, tends to create ethical legalists who can reason themselves into or out of most any action or inaction.  Thus, it is critically important that we educate for conscience; essential that through education and advocacy we cultivate self-awareness and awaken the values voice inside every individual.

  The development of conscience must be an essential focus of values education; and yet, as Mary Gentile has argued in her book, Giving Voice to Values, the development of conscience alone is insufficient. Conscience—a sense of right from wrong—also requires a sense of competence—a sense of practical know-how.  Competence speaks to what Gentile and others have referred to as “post-decision making” when we know what we ought to do and need to figure out how to make it happen within the challenges of the real world pressures and stresses (Gentile, 2010).

  In our work this has meant that we distill complex and multifaceted moral and performance character values into their more specific competencies. Our operational definition of character as “values in action,” gets calibrated by a focus on the development of specific character competencies.  Competent: “able to”; incompetent: “unable to”. Organizations want and need “individuals who are able to …”, for example, give and receive constructive criticism, manage priorities and reduce stress, be fair to all involved, continue trying in the face of difficulty, and so on.

  Competencies are process skills that connect awareness and sensitivity, to reasoning and judgment, to behavior. The development of competencies requires action and reflection, practice with feedback, real-world simulation that targets practice of essential skills in settings that are similar to the real challenges one would face, and yet still safe enough to allow the development of mastery.  When skills for each of these processes are fully developed and become automatic, cognition and action become intertwined and an individual consistently engages in positive behavior (see, for example, review of related research in Narvaez, 2006).

  The development of competencies has meant the ability for us to teach general skills universal to all settings, while also targeting the development of skills specific to particular settings—be they in school, sport, or work.  A contextualized view allows us to approach each situation as having its own challenges and requisite skills.  We simulate for the most common situations you will face in this specific context. Too often training for ethics and character is too amorphous to teach or learn—certainly to assess.  IEE’s research-based tools distill theory and research into replicable guides for thinking and behavior.  Consider, for example, our Win-Win Negotiation Tool, which provides a guide for effective negotiation—a complex and critically important skill.

  
  

  Our work has been focused on developing a battery of Tools within each of our Excellence & Ethics Focus Areas.

  

  In essence, Excellence & Ethics tools, like the Win-Win Negotiation Tool, define standards and expectations. These “tools” represent what Mary Gentile would call “scripts” that guide implementation, thereby ensuring a more efficient and consistent standard of output. Clear and concise (i.e., simple, concrete, memorable, action-oriented) tools become models to guide behavior across the organization. Consistent and pervasive use of the tools over time leads to individual and organizational habits.

  The support for and value of our work has increased in school, sport, and workplace settings as we have begun to develop both conscience (a belief that I ought to) and competence (a belief that I am able to).

  Note: This blog excerpted and adapted from a paper delivered at the Baum Symposium on Ethics at Drake University, October 3, 2012.

  

   
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  Care-frontation: Making Peace with Conflict

  Matt Davidson posted in Character Blog, Character For & From Sports, Excellence & Ethics in Business, Intentional Family Culture at 9:52 am on September 21, 2012 | 0 Permalink | Reply
  

  Conflict is inevitable for any group individuals who share space and goals.  Conflict isn’t bad or good necessarily, it simply is.  Conflict is a byproduct of human relationships and human performance.  Put any group of individuals together in community; allow for personality and ability differences; factor in limited time, money, energy; account for the toll exacted by the day-to-day grind; and you’ve got a cauldron for conflict. Should you aspire to lofty individual and collective goals, you will have added a conflict catalyst to the conflict cauldron.

   Show me individuals thriving in any role—parents, spouses, siblings, teachers, workplace leaders, coaches, teammates; priest or rabbi, politician or physician—any individual, thriving to any degree in any role or setting and you will see individuals who manage conflict well. Where individuals and organizations are surviving, not thriving, where there is inconsistency in the quality of human interactions and performance, poor conflict management is likely part of the equation.

  You have humans, you share space, you have some task to perform: you have conflict.  Thus, managing conflict is an essential element of a positive and productive culture of excellence. Too often, however, our approach to conflict is focused on avoidance and dismissal—avoid conflict at all costs, and if you can’t make it go away.  We often speak and operate in terms of conflict resolution, rather than conflict management. In the former, we seek to resolve it, or make it go away. In the ladder we accept it and manage the type and nature and net costs of this inevitable byproduct of human interaction.

   Even in contexts where the goal is enjoyment and the relationships are familiar (i.e., friends or family gathering for food and fellowship), conflict doesn’t disappear. However, in contexts where our goals are challenging and our relationships are contingent, even utilitarian in nature (i.e., individuals with particular skills hired to help us thrive as an organization), then the nature, frequency, and intensity of conflicts are likely to increase. An intentional culture of excellence must proactively establish and develop the habits needed to efficiently and effectively navigate conflict—or suffer the real costs to the individuals and the organization.

  In his book, Caring Enough to Confront, David Augsburger argues that when we see confrontation as rooted in caring, when we understand it as “care-frontation”, then we can begin to experience conflict as “natural, normal, neutral, and sometimes even delightful.”  How could conflict ever be delightful?  When it removes for the confronter the acute pain and recurring aggravation, along with the deep wounds and heavy burden that festers and grow when suppressed. Or, when it removes for the confronted the tangible tension and persistent awkwardness and provides them with something new insights into how to better exist and work with another.

   Augsburger argues that “care-fronting unites love and power…concern for relationships with concern for goals.”  Love and power, relationships and goals:  I want the best for you, therefore I expect the best from you. I challenge you because I love you. I challenge you to make you the best you.

   When confrontation is re-framed as care-frontation it goes from something to be avoided—a win-lose, angry and argumentative, attack the person not problem reality—to something healthy and productive and worthy of the energy required. Confrontation becomes care-frontation when we speak the truth in love, expressing our deepest beliefs and needs while still respecting the deepest beliefs and needs of the other(s), holding self and other accountable out of mutual respect and for our mutual benefit.

   Here are some simple—though not necessarily easy—steps to transform confrontation into care-frontation:

  1. Attack the problem not the person. The goal isn’t to be right; the goal is to get it right.
  2. When in doubt, do it. Conflicts delayed and deferred make little things into big things.
  3. Use I-statements that honestly and respectfully express your thoughts and feelings, are solution-centered and clarify the goal or expectation (e.g., I think ___because…I feel ___ because…I intend to ___ because…).
  4. Avoid You-statements that blame, insult, attack the personality and/or character of others. You-statements divide, distract, and disrespect. They sound like “You never, you always, you should have, you won’t, you don’t.”
  5. Seek win-win solutions by clearly expressing your needs (I want), their needs (you want), and working together to find creative solutions that satisfy both (we could).
  6. Accept that mistakes and missteps will happen; be ready to apologize, make up for, and move on from mistakes—they too are inevitable byproducts of human relationships and goal attainment.

  Conflict is neither bad nor good;  it simply is. Conflict simply is an essential part of goal achievement and human interaction. Turn confrontation into care-frontation and you’ll begin to more fully realize your human potential and performance goals.

  

   
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  The case FOR competition

  Matt Davidson posted in Character Blog, Character For & From Sports, Excellence & Ethics in Business, Intentional Family Culture at 2:12 pm on January 13, 2011 | 2 Permalink | Reply
  

  A recent article in Ed Week’s teacher magazine argued for putting the kibosh on classroom competition, citing numerous ways that it was harmful to the classroom climate and individual psyche.  In response to that article, I’d like the make the case FOR competition—a case we originally made in the Smart & Good Report (page 19), which was informed by my previous work with David Shields and others at the Mendelson Center for Sport, Character, and Culture at the University of Notre Dame.

  I’ll only add the following the following points to what we originally wrote:

  1. Our work in schools and with sports teams since the time of the report’s publication  only reinforces our belief in the importance of competition as a valuable opportunity for building moral and performance character, for overall engagement, and enhanced achievement.  In particular we have found in our work with high school students that their engagement increases exponentially in an assignment or activity when there is an element of individual or team competition.
  2. The key to using competition to develop the culture and character of excellence and ethics is our intentionality in its use.  We must have a rationale for its use and what we hope to develop from it, and we must focus on teaching the moral and performance character NEEDED FOR competition.  If it is misunderstood, poorly designed, and left unmonitored completion can run amuck and lead to problems; but that shouldn’t surprise us, nor does it suggest that competition is the problem.

  The devil is clearly in the details when it comes to discussion and use of competition. I’m hoping that re-sharing what we wrote in S&G helps to provide some useful guidelines in the use of competition.

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  The Case for Competition:

  5 Ways It Can Aid the Development of Performance Character & Moral Character

   At first glance, especially when there’s plenty of evidence that students cheat to get ahead academically, athletes use steroids to break records, and companies bend and break the rules to beat their competitors, the very nature of competition might seem to be antithetical to the development of performance character and moral character.  Because of the all-too-common cut-throat competition, many see competition as a necessarily war-like relationship: I win only when you lose, all means are justified, and only one thing ultimately matters—winning.  In this view of competition, all individuals—even classmates and teammates—are adversaries vying for limited external rewards (e.g., grades, playing time, promotions, championships, etc.).

  However, this notion of competition as inherently adversarial is really a corruption of competition’s root meaning.  In Latin, “com-petere” means “to strive with.”  In this original meaning, we compete with each other, not against one another.  We achieve our individual best through the challenge and support of others: I realize my personal best (which doesn’t necessarily mean I win) when your best effort pushes me to excel beyond what I would have achieved in isolation.  In this way, competition is an extension of a community that supports and challenges.

  At every level of performance competition, new levels of excellence are achieved when participants find good competitors.  Clearly, in any competition, we are striving against our personal limitations and against the marks set by other competitors. However, the goal should not be simply to win, but to pursue excellence. If schools want to foster, across all areas of school life, a culture of positive competition that promotes the pursuit of excellence and avoids the dangers of destructive competition, they must establish supportive institutional structures (and eliminate negative ones) and work to cultivate in students a positive perspective on competition.  What follows are 5 ways for young people to understand competition as having great potential to support their development of performance character and moral character:

  (1) Competition gives me unique opportunities to develop my performance character and moral character.

   (2) Being a good competitor requires that    I develop the self-understanding and skills for managing the powerful emotions and potential pitfalls of competition (e.g., stress, frustration, resentment of others, anger at perceived unfairness).

   (3) Competition is a partnership, a form of cooperation between competitors where I show respect and care for the other by agreeing to play fairly and give my personal best so as to bring out the best in others.

   (4) Seeking out good competition is a chance for me to realize a level of excellence I would not achieve in isolation; winning and losing are less important than whether I give my best effort and learn or master something that contributes to my pursuit of excellence.

   (5) The outcomes of any given competition can serve as a benchmark in my quest for excellence; engaging in post-competition reflection allows me to analyze what worked well, what improvements are necessary, and what next steps should be taken.

  

   
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  P2A Character Touchstones developed on student-parent retreat

  Kyle Baker posted in Character Blog, Intentional Family Culture at 12:06 pm on November 23, 2010 | 0 Permalink | Reply
  Tags: parents (2), retreat, touchstone

  Last week I traveled to San Antonio, Texas to facilitate the St. Paul Catholic School 8th grade retreat.

  This retreat is unique because it’s not only for students…but also for their parents as well!  When I first heard four years ago that St. Paul held an annual student-parent retreat, my first thought was “Yeah, right. Getting parents, schools, and students all on the same page anywhere is next to impossible.  In an urban setting and with the real challenges life presents to the modern family, there is no way the school can expect even a fraction of parents to attend.”

  The first St. Paul 8th grade retreat I worked was in 2008…every student but 1 had at least one parent accompany them, and the majority came with both.  I remember a powerful moment at the ’08 retreat when a student’s parents told me that following an activity in which students were affirmed by their classmates, they were on a walk with their daughter when she broke down in tears.  They asked her what was wrong, encouraging her by recalling all the ways her classmates had affirmed her.  It was then that she told her parents she did not feel that she would be able to affirm them in the same way, and that she was trying her best to “be good,” but she and her younger siblings needed them to demonstrate greater family leadership.  The parents told me that this caught them completely off guard, but as the two of them discussed their daughter’s statement, they realized that in fact the character and values they were telling their children to abide by did not align with the ways they were living their own adult lives, and they vowed that they would begin working to make a change.  They cited the retreat as being “the moment that saved our family.”

  This retreat was just as profound for me as a facilitator, and I expect the same is true for the students and families.  (It was particularly special for me because I taught these very same students in 5th grade!)  Every student had at least one parent attend, again with many students having both parents present.  I was personally struck by one family, the parents having divorced many years ago, yet both were on the retreat, a sign of love & support for their daughter.  My parents first separated and later divorced when I was in second grade, and it was not until the post-season football banquet my senior year of college that they would both again sit with me at the same table, an experience that I’ll never forget and that I believe has led to personal and familial healing.  But then again, I don’t remember us ever having the opportunity to attend a school-sponsored parent-student retreat together either.

  This year, one activity students and parents really enjoyed was the development of a Power2Achieve Personal Character Touchstone.  Using the a lesson plan, slides, and student materials from Power2Achieve Foundations Unit 5.1:  Stand Up to Peer Pressure , each student developed their own personal character touchstone.

  A P2A Character Touchstone:

  • Is a statement of the way you want to live.
  • Guides daily decision-making.
  • Reminds us to put moral and performance character into action toward our desired goals.

  Within the lesson, we refer to Daniel Pink’s book Drive: The Surprising Truth About What Motivates Us (a book that should be required reading for every educator), where on page 154 he challenges the reader to answer the question “What’s your sentence?” Mr. Pink recently issued the same challenge online.

  I could go on and on about the powerful potential of retreat experiences in both public and private schools, the importance of setting up a personal character touchstone, the need to create opportunities for parents and their children to get away from the everyday grind in order to have discussions that have greater depth.  I could describe to you what it looked like when students presented their touchstones to their parents and explained why they had written it the way they had.  I could cite research that explains why this kind of character development can and does improve academic achievement, motivation, school safety, and graduation rates….

  Or, I could just show you what real 8th grade students, when given an opportunity and a process, said about who they are, and who they aspire to become…

  Click here to see the Power2Achieve Character Touchstones that the Class of 2011 at St. Paul School in San Antonio, Texas developed last week.