EXCELLENCE & ETHICS

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  Abuse or motivation? I know it when I see it. Do you? By Matt Davidson, Ph.D., President, Institute for Excellence & Ethics (IEE)

  Matt Davidson posted in Character Blog, Character For & From Sports at 1:59 pm on April 5, 2013 | 0 Permalink | Reply
  

  Some years back I was involved in a year-long study of an elite prep school men’s basketball program. The school had a mission dedicated to whole-person development, in which competitive sports, music and the arts featured prominently within a rigorous overall college-prep curriculum.  As a social-scientist interested in both excellence and ethics it was a unique opportunity to examine the crossroads where an uncompromising commitment to excellence meets an uncompromising commitment to integrity and whole-person development.

  The study involved significant embedded observations with the team, interviews with coaches and players, and the analysis of significant data gathered from microphones that the coaches wore in practice and games.  (Imagine that coaches—or parents or teachers—somebody recording and analyzing your every exchange! It was amazing). I remember a point when a team member contacted me very concerned because the coaches had been yelling and screaming at practice and he had great concern that would present the coaches in a bad light. You can’t be a coach dedicated to ethics and whole-person development if you scream and yell, right?  Some on our team absolutely believed that to be the case; I was not one of them. Coaching intensity is essential for high performance; I firmly believed that there was a place for yelling and displays of passion and emotion. I reserved judgment until studying the tapes and integrating it into my lived experiences with the coaches and players.

  What we found was very nuanced:  coaches screaming at the whole group regarding attitude and effort; coaches exhorting players to play harder, be tougher, to do it over, to do it better; coaches harping on little details.  Like a parent disciplining a child, they almost always went to players that they had gotten after to explain further their expectations and motives for getting on them.  What was NOT part of the yelling was equally important.  They were not attacking players personally; they were not cursing; they were not denigrating them, embarrassing them or confronting them.

  Coaches offered sound insight into our questions regarding the type, timing, and intent their yelling and overall motivational strategies. They could differentiate why they communicated with one player one way and another player another way. It was not indiscriminate yelling; it was not vitriolic rage and personal attack; it was differentiated instruction. They knew when to speak softly, how to comfort the player and the group, and then how to move their teaching to crescendo with effect.  As a former athlete and coach I certainly did not think the yelling was inappropriate, let alone abusive.  I absolutely felt that it represented an intensity necessary to bring out the potential for excellence in the individual players and the team. These weren’t  5-year old t-ball players; they were competitive, elite student-athletes.

  In 1964, in an attempt to define pornography and obscenity, Justice Potter Stewart famously said, “I know it when I see it.”  When the video of Rutgers basketball coach, Mike Rice, went viral this week I knew abuse by a coach when I saw it.  I was not only aghast to see Rice yelling homophobic slurs at his players, kicking them, shoving them, throwing basketballs at their chests, legs, and head; I was angry as hell.  I love and defend good coaches. There’s no defense of Mike Rice’s behavior. He’s a bully and his tactics were abusive. Period.  Here are the two main criteria by which I draw this conclusion on the Rice tape, which was not my conclusion in the tapes from the basketball study discussed above.

  1. Bullying involves a real or perceived imbalance of power, where the one with power attacks the less powerful or powerless.  Rice had the power: not only because he determined who would play and how much they would play, but because he held the ultimate power: the scholarship.  Complain to the assistant coach or AD and you’re done. But they could still transfer, right? Remember, we’re talking real or perceived power. No doubt the players had more power than they believed or used. (As I watched the tape I literally wanted one of the players to charge the coach and knock him on his arse!).  As in cases of domestic abuse, the belief that somebody holds power over you is real.  And really, if you believe that should you try to get out of the situation that the coach will tell the next inquiring school or coach that you’re just soft, a head-case, or not a character-guy, one can see why the players believed the coach has the power and thus endured this bully.

  The powerlessness of the players in this case and in other similar is made worse by the complete and utter moral failure of the athletic director to stop the abuse.  When the AD chose to become a bystander to the abuse, he became part of the abuse. And what was the message to the players when the assistant coach brought concerns to the AD and was subsequently dismissed?  I highly doubt they thought the AD was a neutral arbitrator. Tim Pernetti is hardly the only AD who has failed to protect the student-athletes. Far too many AD’s—and frankly speaking the NCAA itself—are deeply compromised by the conflict of interest that exists between their job to protect and promote the well-being of student-athletes and their job to make lots of money off of college athletes.

  High school and AAU coaches don’t stand up to these coaches because they want their players to get scholarships (and they often covet a chance to follow one of their players into the elite coaching opportunities). Parents are also often accomplices to these crimes because they are over invested and beholden to AAU and high school coaches and they choose to ignore or justify these bullying behaviors to get or keep a scholarship or to get their kid to the professional ranks.  So when you can’t trust your coach, assistant coach, AD, high school coach and AD, AAU coach or your parents I think it’s not so hard to believe that they believed they didn’t have power to stand up to Coach Rice.  My disbelief and frustration that the players didn’t just deck the coach, quickly changed to anger at those who created and sustained the reality that made this possible.

  2.  Bullying usually takes two general forms:  psychological and physical.  You’ve got both on full display in the Rice video. The instruments of psychological abuse are verbal and emotional in nature. The humiliating, dehumanizing, vindictive exchanges exact a deep emotional toil. I can already hear it from “that coach” or “that parent”:  “Come on, man; these are big boys. You’re not going to tell me he hurt their feelings.”  College athletes are amazing physical beings; but they’re still essentially young adults and they’re most definitely human beings.  Years of working with athletes at all levels makes me absolutely convinced that psychological abuse is real. I’m not convinced that his tactics “did no harm”;  and I am absolutely sure they did not do “maximum good” in pursuit of excellence or whole-person development. And maybe the tape doesn’t show physical abuse, but it clearly shows physical intimidation and a persistently aggressive and hostile atmosphere which most definitely was unjust, unfair, and unhealthy.

  I’ve already heard current and former coaches hedging on this case, mostly by decrying Rice’s use of homophobic slurs as always and everywhere wrong, but then claiming that you need to build relationships if you’re going to drive kids hard in pursuit of their best. Going out for pizza and a movie so you can continue your abusive practices isn’t my idea of balancing pursuit of excellence with whole-person development. This is akin to an abusive husband taking his battered wife out to dinner or on a lovely vacation. It doesn’t undo the abuse; it makes it worse by revealing the deep-seated hypocrisy and manipulation at play.  Bottom line: coaches must view student-athletes as an end, not as a means to an end.

  Unfortunately, I think the type of behavior we observed from Rice is far more prevalent than most would want to admit. And, in my experience, female coaches are now often as likely to engage in these tactics as men.  Let’s be clear:  every coach who kicks over a garbage can, breaks a clipboard, throws their team out of the gym, or screams about poor execution or effort isn’t an abusive bully.  So too, every player who gets upset from constructive criticism, doesn’t like the coaches style, or a coach getting after them hasn’t necessarily been “abused.”   But we can’t simply operate under the “that which does not kill us makes us stronger” mentality of coaching. And just because your coach did it and you turned out alright doesn’t make it right either.  The ends don’t justify the means. All that motivates is not moral.

  Three practical suggestions for moving forward:

   1. Develop an approach to coaching and player development that integrates the development of performance character and moral character. This idea grew out of the basketball study described above. Great coaches develop both excellence and ethics. Moral and performance character are interconnected, inseparable, dynamic forces that coaches must balance. You can’t unhook them; you can motivate in a way that violates respect and decency; so too if you love players you must push them. Mike Rice’s approach unhitched performance character from moral character.  Develop both moral and performance character with intensity and intentionality; beware when the weight of your foot is disproportionately on either—especially performance character.

  

  2. Make this a topic of an Intentional Culture Conversation within your family, your team, and amongst coaches, trainers, and administrators. We developed Intentional Culture Conversations for use in our work when the topic clearly has the potential to contribute to or detract from the mission and goals of the organization, but where the topic is complex and not clear-cut.  In this case an Intentional Culture Conversation must be engaged regarding the line between abuse and motivation, about the balance of excellence and ethics, and about how we empower all stakeholders to stand up, speak out, and stop abusive coaches.  The pursuit of excellence that also seeks whole-person development is as much art as science. The discussion may not lead to clear and obvious policy, but to ignore the issue and hope it doesn’t eventually emerge as a problem is just foolish. Assuming we all understand what is expected is ridiculous.  We must beware of simple, easy, and obvious answers—which are often also wrong (for example, no yelling by coaches, no intense coaches, get rid of the scoreboard, or make all sports like intramurals).  Let this terrible incident be the start of something good. Start the conversation.

  3. Define abusive coaching behaviors so you’ll know it when you see it.  Once you think about coaching that balances moral character and performance character, and once you’ve engaged in an Intentional Culture Conversation with your stakeholders, then I recommend that you create a checklist outlining a checklist of coaching behaviors that constitute your definition of bullying. Because it’s such a complex and nuanced area, many will not want to define the abusive, bullying behaviors. But this is a mistake that lets the bullies hide and the puts the good coaches at risk of being misunderstood (think of the coaches in our study above). You may not get agreement on everything, but you must be prepared to identify it—for coaches, for players, for parents, for AD’s.  This will create an awareness of what to look for, of what to avoid, and will more quickly allow stakeholders to speak up to fix the problem or to better clarify your standard. For example, here’s my coach’s bullying behaviors checklist:

  • Does the coach….
  • Ridicule, embarrass or demean players
  • Make verbal attacks personal
  • Exhibit intimidating, threatening, and/or aggressive confrontational style with players
  • Humiliate players publicly or privately
  • Engage in emotional games, like not talking to a player, or having them sit away from the team after a bad performance
  • Grab, push, shove or hit players
  • Make clear to players that there is no way out or around the coach

  Mine isn’t the only checklist. But take note of how even this simple checklist forces you to accept or reject mine, which ultimately leads to the clarification of your own.

  Players don’t always appreciate (or even like) coaches, especially since most of coaching is getting more out of you than you think you’re capable of, pushing you beyond your limits, targeting your weaknesses for development .  A good coach is like a good parent: your kids don’t always like you; they often resent your standards and expectation. But if you do it the right way for the right reasons years later they understand and appreciate you—and usually adopt your standards and values.  But a bad coach is like a bad parent: they leave pain, scars, and resentment that last a lifetime. It’s a fine line between motivation and abuse—it’s also a slippery slope, so be careful and get intentional.

  

   

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  Keeping sport healthy for kids and families, By Matt Davidson, Ph.D., President, Institute for Excellence & Ethics (IEE)

  Matt Davidson posted in Character For & From Sports at 3:46 pm on February 28, 2013 | 2 Permalink | Reply
  

  I’ve always loved sports. From my earliest memories of childhood what I enjoyed most was having a ball, a bat, or a stick in my hand.  I loved to compete, but I also enjoyed countless hours by myself practicing the games.  I loved to take whatever game I was playing (usually whichever one was in season) and break it down into its component skills, to practice it over and over until I had it mastered.  Give me a rubber ball and a glove and a wall and I was happy; give me a basketball and a place to dribble and shoot and I was content—for hours upon hours.  I would imagine the game in my head; I wanted to know and practice everything I could. I loved to prepare my mind and train my body to be strong, to run fast, to jump high.

  Growing up in as a kid in the 70’s and 80’s sport was an important part of life in America. But nothing like what kids growing up today are experiencing.  When I think about how things are today as that sport-loving kid of yesteryear I’m jealous: what I wouldn’t have given for an ALL ENTERNTAINMENT AND SPORTS NETWORK! Wow! I mean, are you kidding me?  We only had one or two games a day on the weekend. Highlights from games didn’t come until the 11PM news.  There were no facilities devoted to hockey, basketball, or soccer—at colleges, sure. But not for kids, like there are today.  The leagues, the coaches, the equipment, the competition—every part of sport has changed and evolved and intensified. And as kid I would have wished for the world to be so (if I could have even imagined it as a possibility). But as a parent, it does concern me.

  As someone who has coached (and now coaches my own kids) and who has worked with coaches and student-athletes, and who has studied (and work to improve) the culture of youth sports I know that while sport still has an incredible power for good, it has a lot of potential for harm.  Our nonprofit Institute for Excellence & Ethics (IEE) works with coaches and student-athletes from youth sport levels through college.  I see the full range, coaching my daughter’s fifth-grade Catholic school team and working with highly competitive collegiate athletes.   As a parent of four children (three girls and a boy ranging in age from 5-10), I’ve gone from studying the culture of youth sport to being a part of it. And I’m shocked by the gap between what we know about the dangers of youth sport and how little parents know about it. I’m amazed at how few parents know the odds of their kid getting a scholarship (to say nothing of playing sports professionally).  I’m horrified by how few know the research on overuse injuries, burnout, and dropout. In fact, most kids drop out of sport because it’s not fun anymore. I believe skateboarders and snowboarders and extreme bikers have gained so much momentum because they figured out that parents don’t know anything about this stuff, there’s no way they can do this stuff, and they’ll basically leave you the heck alone to have some fun with your friends.

  Bottom line, today’s sports culture is not the sport culture that most of today’s parents grew up in. In order to keep sport positive for parents and kids it’s imperative that parents educate themselves and form their own intentional approach. Here are a few of the books I think are must-reads for any parent with kids involved in sport:

  • Game on: The All-American Race to Make Champions of our Children, by Tom Farrey
  • Until it hurts: America’s Obsession with Youth Sports and How it Harms Our Kids, by Mark Hyman
  • Positive Coaching and Positive Sports Parenting, by Jim Thompson.
  • Season of Life, by Jeffrey Marx
  • Inside Out Coaching, by Joe Ehrmann

  There are plenty more excellent resources on the topic; these are a few of the best and most recent. The first two books (Game on and Until it Hurts) are fairly current and deeply convincing in their chronicling the impact on youth of out of control parents and coaches. The others tell of the problems and offer more balanced approaches that respect kids and the game.

  For those who don’t have time or desire to read those books, here’s my quick distillation:

  1. In alarming numbers parents and coaches are ruining sport for kids by applying too much pressure, too much training and competition, too much specialization (i.e., having kids concentrate on one sport year one in hopes of a competitive advantage).
  2. Too many parents and coaches see sport (and unfortunately, their kids) as a means to an end—championships, scholarships, and a professional career in sport, in spite of the fact that it often leads to kids hating sports and their parents and coaches, if often leads many kids to dropout of sport, and it rarely leads to the ends these coaches and parents desire so badly.
  3. Too many kids are being injured physically and psychologically by the pressure and abuse inflicted by well-meaning but misguided parents and coaches.

  So, should you yank your kids out of sports and activities all together?  That’s not my conclusion or recommendation. On the contrary sports are an amazing medium for developing character, for teaching kids important values, for engagement that is healthy and is a protective factor against many youth development risk factors.  However, sports—like most everything in life—is not good in and of itself, but only good when we intentionally use it the right way in pursuit of the right goals. I think back and wonder what path I would have found in life if my parents had prevented, discouraged, or not supported my interest in sport. Sport gave me direction; it was my passion; it was the reason for working hard in school and for focus and discipline in the other areas of my life. I think too about my own son, who by temperament and passion for sport is basically a mini-me; removing sport activities from his life would make him a very different, and I believe less-healthy boy—in mind, body, and soul. He recently listed his goals in life as follows: 1. Play in the NBA. 2. Become a priest—after playing in NBA. Both lofty goals, but in his mind interconnected, not incompatible.

  For parents intentionality is the key. As parents we must be intentional about our goals for sport and about our approach to sport. Here’s an example: as a fifth grade girls coach at my daughter’s Catholic school, I wrote a letter at the outset of the season to parents explaining to them my goals and approach. It clearly communicated to them that my goals were:  Fun, Fitness, Fundamentals, Fairness, and Faith.  I wanted for them (and I believe based on the research and my experience) that at this age the following should be true of the sport experience for kids:

  1. Sport should be fun. Sport is supposed to be fun. It’s why kids play and when it’s no fun they quit.  The rest of life you will work; what’s not healthy or good is when parents, coaches (and oftentimes kids) make sport into work, when it becomes a grind with no joy and no fun. Sport is organized play. It should be fun not the sort of heavy, serious, dire thing we often turn it into.
  2. Sport should build fitness. The single most important thing for kids now and later in their sport careers (wherever that might lead) and in life is the fitness habits derived from sport.  I want to develop strong healthy kids, kids with agility, kids with flexibility, kids with endurance. The obesity epidemic in this country is real. But preventing problems is motivating; we have to approach sport and fitness as a lifetime habit that allows you to be healthy, strong—more fully and completely human.  By the way, if fitness is the goals, then kids should be moving constantly at practice not standing around listening to coaches talk at them—it’s no fun and it’s not good for fitness!
  3. Sport should develop the fundamentals of the game. Sport is fun when you know how to play the game and you get good at it. Throwing out the balls and letting kids do whatever they want isn’t coaching. There’s a place for this (I don’t run practice in my driveway; I let my kids and our neighbors play whatever they want however they want). Practice should be fun and fast and competitive (for fun, fitness and fundamentals). Coaches should be organized and disciplined and demand excellence. This is the chance to really push kids. But what matters is doing the skill right, targeting weaknesses for development, making it more and more challenging. The best athletes target their weaknesses, focus on growth and improvement, and receive deliberate practice with feedback from experienced coaches. It’s not that winning and losing don’t matter; it’s just that if you practice right winning and losing will take care of itself.
  4. Sport should be fair.  Sportsmanship is essential and the expectations must be taught—to parents and kids. I make it explicit to our parents. I tell them: “We cheer for our kids not against the other kids. We don’t get on the officials or referees. Do not be screaming technical advice to the kids. I’m the coach, you confuse and overwhelm them.” I also tell them everybody will have equal playing time. Equal playing time should be the norm for kids up until at least sixth or seventh grade; that’s what I believe is fair and healthy for kids. I also have kids play different positions so they have fun and so that they truly get to experience the different positions and opportunities. You can’t tell which kid will get bigger, which position or skill set might really fit for a kid, and which sport or position your kid might really excel at. (Remember: Michael Jordon, Wayne Gretsky, and so many other superstars played—and loved—different sports than they eventually excelled at).
  5. Sport should build and support faith development.  Whatever your faith perspective, when it is done right, sport has the potential to support faith development.  Faith requires hard work; it requires trust and focus and it is needed most in adversity—so too with sport. Sport SHOULD NOT compete with or detract from faith and religion.  Kids and parents shouldn’t have to choose between going to church or going to a game. Parents must help kids make the faith connections. For example, I believe the parable of the talents (Matthew 25: 14-30), is a great guide for approaching sport with your kids:  “We have all talents and abilities. I don’t how much or which specific talents God has blessed you with. I just want you to do your best not to bury or neglect your talents; and to do your best. Let God take care of the rest.”

  I truly believe sports are an important and vital protective factor in the lives of kids. However, as parents we must be intentional in our approach if we hope to ensure that it is positive and productive, that it is aligns with our deepest values, and contributes to the goals we have for our children.

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  The above piece originally appeared in the winter issue of Mater et Magistra, Volume 6, number 1

  

   
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  Sometimes people who are hurting hurt people: Talking to my children about the tragedy at Sandy Hook Elementary

  Matt Davidson posted in Character Blog, Intentional Family Culture at 12:19 pm on December 15, 2012 | 0 Permalink | Reply
  

  I was away from home when the tragedy took place at Sandy Hook Elementary Connecticut Friday, December 14, 2012 and I first learned of the tragedy unfolding early in the day; it was too much to process. By the early afternoon as I sat in the airport watching and listening in horror, I could not stop the tears. My mind jumped from my experience in schools and to all the principals and teachers and schools like Sandy Hook that I had been in and worked with.  We work to make schools that are safe to learn, where there is a culture of respect and trust. In the face of this tragedy, I honestly didn’t know—and don’t know—what to say to the teachers and to schools just yet.  I don’t know what the takeaway is, what the deeper solution is—beyond vigilance and additional security.

  All I could think was, “what will I say to our kids?” How will we explain this to them? How will we help them face the brutal truths of this tragedy, without scarring them or scaring them?  What follows is what I wrote as I tried to think about what my wife and I will say when we talk about this later today. It draws from my experience as a psychologist working with schools on developing character, and working with youth in at-risk environments, but it is written as I will speak it—as a father, to my family and to my kids.  I share it not as the only way to talk to your kids, but one way, our way. We have four children, 3 girls and one boy, ranging in age from 5-10.   They attend a school that looks like Sandy Hook in many ways; it’s a safe school in a good community. I hope that in sharing others who are struggling to make sense of this for themselves might find something useful, something helpful as we try to move forward from this tragedy. What you say to younger kids might be different; how much you include might vary; what you ultimately decide to say to your children might be very, very different.    But I believe you must say something. You must help them make sense of it.

  ————————————-

  Dear Kids,

  Dad and Mom have some very sad news to share with you. It’s hard for us to even find the words to say what we have to say.  Something terrible happened today. A young man in Connecticut who was very troubled got into an elementary school and used a gun to shoot and kill 20 students and 7 teachers.  Mom and I wish more than anything that this had never happened, and that we didn’t even have to tell you about it. But it did happen, and you will hear about it on the news and you will hear kids talking about it and we wanted you to hear it from us.

  I know that you’re probably feeling sad in your heart, that your tummy may feel a little sick—that’s how Mommy and I feel too. We feel so sad for the people who were killed and for their families and friends. We feel angry that that bad things happen and that people hurt other people. We feel scared because we don’t want anything to happen to you. It’s okay to feel all those things and we need to keep talking about how we’re feeling.  You need not worry about those who died. We have no doubt that they are at peace in God’s loving arms. We really need to pray for the parents and families in this community, that they can have courage and strength, that in time they can heal and find peace in their hearts, that they can forgive and let go of the anger they feel in their hearts right now.

  You probably are wondering why would somebody do something so terrible and hurt people like this man did?  The truth is, we really don’t know why this man, or any person would do something terrible like this to others.  But, this young man is obviously sick—not sick like with cancer or diabetes, but sick with a mental illness in his heart and in his head and in his soul. Sometimes people with this kind of mental illness can be so sad or angry or depressed that they do terrible things like this young man did. You know how at school, if you somebody does something to you it can make you angry?  This young man suffers from a different kind of anger. Nobody at this school did anything wrong, or anything to make him angry. He was mad at everybody and he probably wasn’t even sure why. Remember how we talk about the idea that “hurt people, hurt people,” that people who have suffered or are suffering often hurt others?  This young man was hurting, and he hurt others.  It doesn’t make it right, but it can help us to understand why. We can be so angry with him for hurting so many innocent people, but we can also understand that he was a sick man and that sometimes people who are hurting, hurt other people.

  You may be wondering why people couldn’t tell that this man was angry and that he was going to hurt others?  Well, you know how in the movies, when something bad is going to happen and the light gets dark and the music gets scary? You just know that something bad is going to happen. Unfortunately, when someone is sick like this man and they’re angry and they plan to do something bad, it’s a lot harder to tell. This young man was probably sick and suffering in his heart for a long time. Unfortunately, when you’re sick like he was, it’s harder for others to see it and harder for him to get the help he needs. That’s why you need to be kind AND careful: you need to be kind to everyone because you don’t know what kind of pain and suffering they have on the inside, and you don’t know how your small act of kindness might help them. But you need to be careful. There are bad people in the world, and they can be around our home, your school, or at the mall.

  You’re probably wondering if you’re safe and if this couldn’t happen at your school or in our community?  The truth is that something like this could happen anywhere. So we always have to be careful. You have to keep your eyes and ears open and look out for people and situations that look dangerous. It’s just like crossing the street by our house: remember how we tell you, “our road isn’t busy, but it only takes one car driving too fast and one kid not paying attention and we could have a tragedy.”  We still let you ride your bikes. We still let you chase down the balls that go across the street. It’s not dangerous, but you have to pay attention. It’s the same at your school. You’re safe. Your teachers work so hard to make you safe. They have security and cameras and they work with parents to keep you safe. But you still need to be careful.

  You may be wondering what you would do if that happened at your school?  We don’t think it will ever happen here, but it’s still good to be prepared. It’s just like the fire drills you have at school: your school has never had a fire; we hope and pray you never will, but you still practice fire drills. So what can you do if you’re in a situation like this:  first, stay calm and don’t panic! You must stay calm so you can think and listen. Don’t scream and yell; think and listen. If adults are there you listen and act on what they tell you to do. If they are not there, then you look for a way to get out of the building or away from the danger. If you can get out, go quickly away from the danger and look for a place or a person you can trust. If you cannot get out of the building or away from the danger, look for a safe corner to hide, something to get below like a table or into like a closet. Stay low, stay quiet, and stay calm and wait for someone you can trust to come to you. You may have to wait a long time, but just be calm and patient, someone will come for you.

  It’s a very sad time in a very joyous season. This is a very difficult and painful situation. Mom and Dad are heartbroken that this has happened and that you have to know about something this awful. We wish there were no bad people in the world. We wish that nobody was suffering from hunger or poverty, from war or violence, abuse or neglect of any kind. We wish that every child was safe and that every person was happy. But unfortunately, that’s not the way the world is. But, we can be aware and be on guard and we can be careful. We can also be kind to others always and work hard to make sure that we help everyone, especially those who are hurting. We can pray for those who are sick and remember that everybody is struggling with something.

  Remember, that while there are bad people in the world, most people are good. Choose to spend your life working to be kind and make things better for others. The prayer of Saint Francis is one that can help us make sense of this tragedy—for the man who killed, for those he killed, and for those of us who must live in the aftermath of this awful event. It speaks to how we want you to live, how we all need to live so that we can heal from this tragedy and begin making a world where hatred is replaced by peace. Let’s say the words together–not just with our lips, but truly in our hearts:

  Lord, make me an instrument of your peace.

  Where there is hatred, let me sow love.

  Where there is injury, pardon.

  Where there is doubt, faith.

  Where there is despair, hope.

  Where there is darkness, light.

  Where there is sadness, joy.

  O Divine Master,

  grant that I may not so much seek to be consoled, as to console;

  to be understood, as to understand;

  to be loved, as to love.

  For it is in giving that we receive.

  It is in pardoning that we are pardoned,

  and it is in dying that we are born to Eternal Life.

  

   
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  Educating for Conscience AND Competence

  Matt Davidson posted in Character Blog, Character For & From Sports, Excellence & Ethics in Business, Intentional Family Culture, Power2Achieve Community at 4:06 pm on October 12, 2012 | 0 Permalink | Reply
  

  When it comes to the development of character, ethics, and integrity we would do well to heed the wise advice of Blaise Pascal, who famously observed, “the heart has its reason, which reason cannot know.”  Ethical development that targets the head and neglects the heart, tends to create ethical legalists who can reason themselves into or out of most any action or inaction.  Thus, it is critically important that we educate for conscience; essential that through education and advocacy we cultivate self-awareness and awaken the values voice inside every individual.

  The development of conscience must be an essential focus of values education; and yet, as Mary Gentile has argued in her book, Giving Voice to Values, the development of conscience alone is insufficient. Conscience—a sense of right from wrong—also requires a sense of competence—a sense of practical know-how.  Competence speaks to what Gentile and others have referred to as “post-decision making” when we know what we ought to do and need to figure out how to make it happen within the challenges of the real world pressures and stresses (Gentile, 2010).

  In our work this has meant that we distill complex and multifaceted moral and performance character values into their more specific competencies. Our operational definition of character as “values in action,” gets calibrated by a focus on the development of specific character competencies.  Competent: “able to”; incompetent: “unable to”. Organizations want and need “individuals who are able to …”, for example, give and receive constructive criticism, manage priorities and reduce stress, be fair to all involved, continue trying in the face of difficulty, and so on.

  Competencies are process skills that connect awareness and sensitivity, to reasoning and judgment, to behavior. The development of competencies requires action and reflection, practice with feedback, real-world simulation that targets practice of essential skills in settings that are similar to the real challenges one would face, and yet still safe enough to allow the development of mastery.  When skills for each of these processes are fully developed and become automatic, cognition and action become intertwined and an individual consistently engages in positive behavior (see, for example, review of related research in Narvaez, 2006).

  The development of competencies has meant the ability for us to teach general skills universal to all settings, while also targeting the development of skills specific to particular settings—be they in school, sport, or work.  A contextualized view allows us to approach each situation as having its own challenges and requisite skills.  We simulate for the most common situations you will face in this specific context. Too often training for ethics and character is too amorphous to teach or learn—certainly to assess.  IEE’s research-based tools distill theory and research into replicable guides for thinking and behavior.  Consider, for example, our Win-Win Negotiation Tool, which provides a guide for effective negotiation—a complex and critically important skill.

  
  

  Our work has been focused on developing a battery of Tools within each of our Excellence & Ethics Focus Areas.

  

  In essence, Excellence & Ethics tools, like the Win-Win Negotiation Tool, define standards and expectations. These “tools” represent what Mary Gentile would call “scripts” that guide implementation, thereby ensuring a more efficient and consistent standard of output. Clear and concise (i.e., simple, concrete, memorable, action-oriented) tools become models to guide behavior across the organization. Consistent and pervasive use of the tools over time leads to individual and organizational habits.

  The support for and value of our work has increased in school, sport, and workplace settings as we have begun to develop both conscience (a belief that I ought to) and competence (a belief that I am able to).

  Note: This blog excerpted and adapted from a paper delivered at the Baum Symposium on Ethics at Drake University, October 3, 2012.

  

   
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  Care-frontation: Making Peace with Conflict

  Matt Davidson posted in Character Blog, Character For & From Sports, Excellence & Ethics in Business, Intentional Family Culture at 9:52 am on September 21, 2012 | 0 Permalink | Reply
  

  Conflict is inevitable for any group individuals who share space and goals.  Conflict isn’t bad or good necessarily, it simply is.  Conflict is a byproduct of human relationships and human performance.  Put any group of individuals together in community; allow for personality and ability differences; factor in limited time, money, energy; account for the toll exacted by the day-to-day grind; and you’ve got a cauldron for conflict. Should you aspire to lofty individual and collective goals, you will have added a conflict catalyst to the conflict cauldron.

   Show me individuals thriving in any role—parents, spouses, siblings, teachers, workplace leaders, coaches, teammates; priest or rabbi, politician or physician—any individual, thriving to any degree in any role or setting and you will see individuals who manage conflict well. Where individuals and organizations are surviving, not thriving, where there is inconsistency in the quality of human interactions and performance, poor conflict management is likely part of the equation.

  You have humans, you share space, you have some task to perform: you have conflict.  Thus, managing conflict is an essential element of a positive and productive culture of excellence. Too often, however, our approach to conflict is focused on avoidance and dismissal—avoid conflict at all costs, and if you can’t make it go away.  We often speak and operate in terms of conflict resolution, rather than conflict management. In the former, we seek to resolve it, or make it go away. In the ladder we accept it and manage the type and nature and net costs of this inevitable byproduct of human interaction.

   Even in contexts where the goal is enjoyment and the relationships are familiar (i.e., friends or family gathering for food and fellowship), conflict doesn’t disappear. However, in contexts where our goals are challenging and our relationships are contingent, even utilitarian in nature (i.e., individuals with particular skills hired to help us thrive as an organization), then the nature, frequency, and intensity of conflicts are likely to increase. An intentional culture of excellence must proactively establish and develop the habits needed to efficiently and effectively navigate conflict—or suffer the real costs to the individuals and the organization.

  In his book, Caring Enough to Confront, David Augsburger argues that when we see confrontation as rooted in caring, when we understand it as “care-frontation”, then we can begin to experience conflict as “natural, normal, neutral, and sometimes even delightful.”  How could conflict ever be delightful?  When it removes for the confronter the acute pain and recurring aggravation, along with the deep wounds and heavy burden that festers and grow when suppressed. Or, when it removes for the confronted the tangible tension and persistent awkwardness and provides them with something new insights into how to better exist and work with another.

   Augsburger argues that “care-fronting unites love and power…concern for relationships with concern for goals.”  Love and power, relationships and goals:  I want the best for you, therefore I expect the best from you. I challenge you because I love you. I challenge you to make you the best you.

   When confrontation is re-framed as care-frontation it goes from something to be avoided—a win-lose, angry and argumentative, attack the person not problem reality—to something healthy and productive and worthy of the energy required. Confrontation becomes care-frontation when we speak the truth in love, expressing our deepest beliefs and needs while still respecting the deepest beliefs and needs of the other(s), holding self and other accountable out of mutual respect and for our mutual benefit.

   Here are some simple—though not necessarily easy—steps to transform confrontation into care-frontation:

  1. Attack the problem not the person. The goal isn’t to be right; the goal is to get it right.
  2. When in doubt, do it. Conflicts delayed and deferred make little things into big things.
  3. Use I-statements that honestly and respectfully express your thoughts and feelings, are solution-centered and clarify the goal or expectation (e.g., I think ___because…I feel ___ because…I intend to ___ because…).
  4. Avoid You-statements that blame, insult, attack the personality and/or character of others. You-statements divide, distract, and disrespect. They sound like “You never, you always, you should have, you won’t, you don’t.”
  5. Seek win-win solutions by clearly expressing your needs (I want), their needs (you want), and working together to find creative solutions that satisfy both (we could).
  6. Accept that mistakes and missteps will happen; be ready to apologize, make up for, and move on from mistakes—they too are inevitable byproducts of human relationships and goal attainment.

  Conflict is neither bad nor good;  it simply is. Conflict simply is an essential part of goal achievement and human interaction. Turn confrontation into care-frontation and you’ll begin to more fully realize your human potential and performance goals.

  

   
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  Express Your Thanksgiving Beliefs!

  Matt Davidson posted in Character Blog at 5:21 pm on November 23, 2011 | 0 Permalink | Reply
  

  Thanksgiving is upon us once again. It’s that time of year when we come together with family and friends to eat, watch football, and give thanks for our many blessings. Thanksgiving is a wonderful example of how shared beliefs and values manifest themselves in shared rituals or traditions, which in turn reinforce our shared beliefs and values in a circular relationship.

  The earliest tradition of Thanksgiving was based on belief in the importance of giving thanks for the bountiful harvest. The tradition was thus born of values such as wisdom, gratitude, and humility. Those values took shape in the form of a feast centering on food, faith, and friendship.  In time the tradition of Thanksgiving served to remind and reinforce those animating values behind the ritual.

  And the tradition has certainly evolved, right? I mean wouldn’t the Pilgrims be surprised at how football and parades and Black Friday have become part and parcel of the Thanksgiving tradition?  That’s not a commentary on the lost purity of Thanksgiving. The tradition was initiated by a unique group of human beings to serve their unique needs; it continues to evolve and change and manifest in countless different ways depending on geography, race, religion, and family norms.

  Traditions and rituals, our cultural norms, are neither bad or good in and of themselves; but they do shape and reinforce a set of values—either by accident or by design. So it’s important to continuously reflect on what we do and why we do it “our way.”

  For my family, Thanksgiving means a big family gathering (I mean big, too!). It’s about kids playing together, it’s about telling (and retelling) old stories and bad jokes; it’s about sitting around a fire (a “bomb” fire as one niece described it) and talking and laughing and reconnecting.  Some years back we had started a tradition of going around and having each person say what they were thankful for (not sure who or how it started, but seems like something I may have been crazy and goofy enough to propose). It was pretty cool. It was at times touching and other times tedious (think big group, young kids, and the “my family” response showing up a few times). But I truly believe that we all felt that we had tapped into some deeper part of Thanksgiving. We deepened the tradition, we tapped into some of the deeper values behind the day.

  In my opinion, there’s something about Thanksgiving that is very simple: we eat and we relax.  I don’t think we should (or could) infringe upon that core piece of Thanksgiving for our family. But, there’s also something deeper, something that begs for reflection on the important things in life. But, unless you have a routine that makes space and provides a format it simply doesn’t happen (or may end up taking the form of Uncle Al getting drunk and telling everybody what’s important—at the top of his lungs from the front lawn). (Note: I do not have an Uncle Al; Al is not a pseudonym for a real uncle either; just an example, I swear).

  Well, like lots of traditions, at some point our “what we’re thankful for” tradition fell off. Not sure why. No official proclamation. We just probably forgot, missed it one year, and then never reestablished it. But I think we lost a little something.  So it got me to thinking about some new ideas for going after the deeper part of Thanksgiving.  So, for what it’s worth, here’s one to consider adapting or adopting.

  IEE’s Culture of Excellence & Ethics Belief Box is a tool we have used to create a process by which individuals have a chance to stand up on the box and share their beliefs,
  ideas, and inspirations.  I thought it would be a good tool to adapt for a new Thanksgiving ritual. We’ve used this with individuals from all age levels and in many different settings.

   

  

   

   

   

   

   

   

   

   

   

   

   

   

  Here’s one version of how to use this tool:

  1. A set of questions is generated that are meant to be thought provoking and to probe for guiding philosophy and beliefs.
  2. Each person has the chance to “stand on the box”—in some contexts, that just means it’s their turn (no standing at all). In other instances, people have literally created a box, or a spot for each person to stand before the group to receive questions and share their response.
  3. Each person has the right to pass on any question that is too personal, too difficult, or to which they simply don’t have a response.

  Other little process hints:  figure out how many you will have people you have, and how much total time you have. Then appoint a time-keeper to make sure each person is given equal time. (Better to go for something doable the first time and have them wanting to do a second round, then push your luck and cause mayhem and revolt—but maybe I’m projecting based on my family!).

  Here are some sample questions drawn from our version of the Belief Box activity:

  • Explain what you believe is more important, fitting in or standing out.
  • What’s the best advice anybody has ever given you?
  • What advice would you offer somebody your age to help them make the most of their life?
  • What is the secret to finding happiness?
  • What’s one sure way to be unhappy?
  • What things in life are more important than money?
  • If you only had 30 days tolive, how would you spend your time?
  • What does it mean to “live a life of purpose”?
  • What is something you feel you absolutely must accomplish before you die?

  You can have each person answer them all in a rapid-fire style. Or, you can have the group pick and choose which questions to ask. There are really an unlimited number of questions and processes to follow.

  What are the advantages of the Belief Box activity? First, it’s intentional. You’re doing this with a specific intent.  If you’re lucky your group may accidentally fall on something like this, but if you think it’s important you want to ensure that it happens by design, not hope it happens by chance. Second, it’s consistent. This helps to ensure that it goes well and as you hoped (note how these questions pull for deep thinking but give a person plenty of safety and choice about what to share and how to share it). It’s structured and simple enough to do in almost any time block you have. Finally, it taps into the deeper values behind the tradition of Thanksgiving providing a simple but powerful way to connect (and reconnect) to one another and to reconnect to our shared beliefs, experiences, and values.

  As you reflect on your own Thanksgiving traditions and rituals what are the defining aspects of the experience for your family?  What makes it unique to your family? What traditions have you lost or forgotten or ruined (that happens too!)?  What if you’re tired of the same old conversations, the same old routines, the same predictable patterns; what if you don’t like what it’s become, if you want something deeper or just something different?   Don’t worry. You made them. You can change them. Changing your traditions is as easy as intentionally shaping some new norms, new ways of doing things.

  What if you’re not ready for something as “nutty” as the Belief Box? No worries. Maybe just find one place in your day where you can more intentionally shape how you will be together to better reflect your deepest hopes and intentions for the wonderful tradition that is,  Thanksgiving.

   

  

   
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  Step in! Speak out! Stand up! Do something!

  Matt Davidson posted in Character Blog at 10:38 am on November 16, 2011 | 1 Permalink | Reply
  

  In the wake of the disturbing case unfolding at Penn State University many are wondering how to understand and teach about the all important moral skill of intervening.  At IEE we develop research-based tools that distill complex theory and research behind a given skill or competency into replicable rubrics for guiding behavior.

  IEE’s Culture of Excellence & Ethics Intervention Continuum is a tool we have used to take the complex process of intervention and break into a framework for guiding behavior
  (email for a digital copy to reprint yourself or to obtain information on purchasing a poster).

  

   

   

  This tool builds on important research like that of Oliner & Oliner who studied the makeup of altruistic personalities to understand the knowledge, affect, and skills of those who intervene (as compared to bystanders, or those who literally “stand by”).

  The Intervention Continuum begins with the assertion that there are no innocent bystanders:  you are either part of the problem or part of the solution. It’s a powerful touchstone phrase that clearly conveys a norm or expectation.  If we don’t teach this norm (or equal) with intentionality and clarity, then we shouldn’t be surprised when individuals choose another standard to guide their behavior.  Intentionally teaching the idea “there are no innocent bystanders” introduces cognitive disequilibrium (i.e., “wait a minute; that’s not I heard or thought or have experienced”), which begins to break apart the “ignorance is bliss” mindset by introducing a new norm or standard for behavior.

  The skill of intervening is built upon an interconnected synergy of values. In particular the tool highlights the role of courage, responsibility, and good judgment in standing up for what you know is right. The Intervention Continuum shows that intervening requires discernment across a continuum of possible options, which requires prudence, or good judgment.  The tool teaches that seeking help from others and intervening yourself are both alternatives to “doing nothing”.  Essentially what the term “intervention” is addressing is responsibility.  Being responsible literally means “the ability to respond,” the ability to intervene when called upon, to stand up for what is right, and to correct what is wrong. Responsibility says, “do help”, “do step up”, “do step in”—even when helping carries a cost.  The Intervention Continuum challenges us to find a way to intervene on behalf of people or principles.

  This tool reinforces our operational definition of character as “values in action.”   Our character (in Greek, our “distinguishing mark”) is the degree to which we have alignment between our espoused values and our lived behaviors.  Just because I know or value justice, mercy, and truth does not make me a person of character necessarily. It’s when I know, commit, AND live according to my values that I may be properly considered a person of moral character.

  How does our character become strong and stable?  One way of understanding our character is to think of it as a muscle. Like any muscle, it gets stronger when we work it out; it gets weaker and atrophies when we neglect it. And, like any muscle, injuries ensue when the weight or force applied to the muscle exceeds the capacity of the muscle.

  Like any muscle, our character muscle also develops muscle memory.  When you try a new physical skill, it feels awkward; it’s not easy or natural. It’s not until you practice the skill repeatedly that a comfortable, stable habit begins to develop. Then when faced with a pressure situation requiring the skill, having practiced this skill many times, muscle memory overrides all of the fear, jitters, worries, and instinct takes over. True for any physical muscle; true also for our character muscles. Confidence in our “ability to respond”—in our “response-ability”—is developed by deliberate practice, not simply by luck or innate ability.

  So, these are the basics of the skill of intervening as presented by the Intervention Continuum. What does it take to make this standard a lived reality? How can we use the Intervention Continuum strategy to ensure more consistent ethical behavior?  First, it must be taught with intentionality and intensity. We simply cannot leave it to chance that individuals will naturally develop this skill. We must intentionally teach it. This skill/norm/behavior/expectation must also be practiced with intensity.  It’s a very challenging skill to master. Therefore it must be deliberately practiced, repeatedly, over time and in diverse and varied settings and situations. True for anything we want to get good at, right? So too with intervening:  the more difficult the challenge the more intense and intentional the practice required.

  We need these simple strategies, these replicable tools (what the brain research calls “good enough” rubrics) to guide our behaviors—especially in the most high pressure of situations.  Without replicable rubrics and rituals like the Intervention Continuum to guide behavior, both the burden of knowledge and the vacuum of ignorance will render us incapable of responding.  Just like in sports, you need to have practiced a skill many times before your habits will be available to guide you through high pressure situations. As Aristotle said, “we are what we repeatedly do.”

  Come full circle to the specific context of the Penn State scandal.  We need to objectify these situations. We need to rewind the tape, hit play; hit pause; teach and re-teach, like a coach reviewing a game tape. We often don’t teach about our great societal and community moral collapses because we’re afraid it will get ugly, that we’ll get distracted, divided, and lose sight of our purpose in discussing it, and ultimately do more harm than good. This is a tool that can take an ugly situation that most don’t want to touch with a ten-foot pole and objectify it, using the situation as a teaching experience without dwelling on the disgusting details. The tool allows us to focus instead on what we can learn and DO DIFFERENTLY given a similar situation that we might face.

  The Intervention Continuum tool is meant to be simple; mastering it is not easy. This means we can teach empathy for the victims as well as those who failed to adequately intervene. They blew it, but it could happen to any one of us if we’re not prepared. We can show on the continuum what they did do, and really teach about how different situations call for different responses.  Remember that Joe Paterno was fired not because he didn’t do anything, but because what he did was not enough given the seriousness of crimes—which is also true of many individuals engrossed in this situation.

  Here are four additional ways to practically introduce and develop the skill of intervening represented by the Intervention Continuum:

  1. Post it in your home, classroom, locker room or workplace and introduce its basic
     elements. Reinforce and expand knowledge by scaffolding to it from emerging
     teachable moments.
  2. Brainstorm a variety of practical ways to intervene with courage, responsibility, and good judgment for some of the most common situations that you will face.
  3. Identify positive examples (or negative counter-examples) drawn from literature and
     media to show what it looks like to intervene well (and what it looks like when
     you don’t) and discuss the short- and long-term consequences.
  4. Reflect as a group on how you will support, challenge, motivate and empower one another to intervene as needed (e.g., accountability partners, small support groups,
     etc.).

  The Intervention Continuum in no way guarantees that we can eradicate moral collapses like we observed at Penn State—or like we have observed in corporate and political scandals, school violence, or human atrocities throughout history. However if we can use this tool to teach and re-teach issues great and small, if we can use this to improve our knowledge, commitment and skills—our head, heart, and hands—, if we do it often enough and well enough, then just maybe when we find ourselves in a significant situation where intervening is truly required of us, maybe we are prepared to respond—to step in, to speak out, to stand up, to do something.

   

  

   
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  There are no innocent bystanders: Why I mourn for Coach Paterno and all at Penn State University, but support the decision of the trustees

  Matt Davidson posted in Character Blog, Character For & From Sports at 7:45 pm on November 10, 2011 | 4 Permalink | Reply
  

  I struggled as to whether I would write on the disturbing case unfolding at Penn State University. On the one hand, this is a case that is at the core of our organizational passion and expertise.  What we are witnessing and trying to make sense of as a nation lies within the cross hairs of character and culture—the very topics to which we have dedicated our lives and work at IEE. On the other and, in this media-saturated world we are bombarded with information, information that is often incomplete and inaccurate; and too often analysis and commentary offered at these times risks contributing more heat than light.

  Here’s at least one reason I decided that I needed to share some thoughts: my eight year-old son.  Since around the age of four he has exhibited a passion and exuberance for sport. Any game, anytime, anywhere, he’ll play it, watch it, or talk about it.  He can be heard day and night rolling on the floor, commentating the actions of a game, mimicking every gesture and phrase common to sport.  First hugs of the day with him are followed with either an update from some game the night before, or questions about who won or lost. He’s simply got the bug for all things sports. It’s beautiful; it’s pure and simple.

  But of course not everything in sport is pretty and nice; much is ugly and downright unethical. But still it gives us a context to talk about that too. Sometimes I hope he won’t see the ugliness and that the purity of his viewpoint on sport and people and life could be preserved forever—but I know it can’t.

  This morning he snuck down quietly to the basement for a stolen few minutes of Sports Center—one of his  great pleasures in life already.  We immediately hustled to tell him to turn it off, knowing that the Penn State story would dominate. Before we could, he ran up the stairs saying, “Dad, Joe Paterno got fired? But why?” I wasn’t ready. I should have been, but I wasn’t. Once again, I hoped he hadn’t seen it and that it would go away. But it wouldn’t.

  So I shared the following explanation with my son and my nine year-old daughter:  “Coach Paterno didn’t actually do anything illegal. There were some people at Penn State who did some bad things, and Coach Paterno and others knew and didn’t do enough to make it right.”  And then I said, “At work we sometimes say it this way:  ‘There are no innocent bystanders.’  When you stand by and watch something bad happen and don’t do anything about it, you’re not innocent. In fact, you’re as bad as the person who did the bad thing. That’s why he got fired.”  They seemed to understand that well and we talked about where and when they need to be ready to intervene like the playground, etc.

  Throughout the day as I listened to commentaries and talked with colleagues, I became unsatisfied with my response.  Why after all of the media attention was I really unsure as to who did what and who knew what? How was it that I again and again it seemed like Joe Paterno was the victim, not these young boys, who were at the time of their abuse not much older than my own son?  Why hadn’t I told my kids the whole truth? What was the truth?

  As an act of conscience I decided to read the transcript of the grand jury testimony.  If you can’t bring yourself to read it, I understand that: it’s human depravity and sickness at its worst.  Let’s just say that it wasn’t until I did that I realized that my response was inadequate, my explanation too clean and easy.  What Coach Sandusky did was pure pathology and sickness—done to the most vulnerable, done using all the trappings of power and prestige and materialism that would literally seduce those at risk boys into allowing this predator into their lives.

  But it was the words I shared with my kids this morning, the words we have shared with so many through our work here at IEE that hit me hardest as I read the testimony:  “There are no innocent bystanders.”  As I read the grand jury testimony the gravity of the moral meltdown hit me.

  As I read the transcript I compiled a list of people who knew something about Mr. Sandusky that are named in the report: a wrestling coach, an assistant principal at the local school, a 28 year-old graduate assistant, the father of the graduate assistant, Coach Paterno, AD Tim Curley, VP Gary Schultz, the Executive Director at Second Mile, the Penn State Campus Police, Child Protective Services, the University’s Counsel lawyer, Pennsylvania Department of Public Welfare, two custodians, the custodian’s supervisor.  I’m sure if I combed the report again I would find people I missed who knew something.

  If I was from the list above to put together a logical web of colleagues and family members I would easily come up with a constellation of people who knew something that would number in the 100’s. If I were to make a list of places where the victims reported being with Mr. Sandusky they include college and pro football games, Penn State athletic facilities, offices and buildings, restaurants, local parks, and local schools. And again, were I to create a web of people who in these various settings would have seen something, sensed something, wondered something it would likely number in the thousands.  If I were to read the report again I would find in almost every case an example of where these individuals did something—but nobody, nobody did enough.

  This is not an attempt to engage in shameless self-righteousness and moral indignation pointing the fingers at “them” and what they did or didn’t do.  We must avoid this at all costs.  What we are learning in this case has been learned from world wars and holocausts past and present, from every form of human rights movement, from school shootings and acts of hazing and bullying be they in the school or in the workplace:  (1) human beings are painfully slow to intervene and to act upon what they know and believe to be wrong. (2) There is a collective instinct NOT to intervene. (3) We are all to some degree tainted and corrupted by the instincts of self-preservation self-promotion, which leads us to override the voice of conscience. (4) Our individual and collective conscience is weak, terribly weak!  And, (5) unless or until someone speaks out and steps in, there is a herd instinct NOT to step in.

  There were many with the chance to speak up and step in; no one did so with enough moral conviction to awaken the moral voice in every one. Thus no one person is to blame for not responding more fully; we are all to blame.

  Moral meltdowns such as this seem so obvious fix or avoid.  We draw them up like football analysts playing Monday morning quarterback. Should have seen this; should have done that; why didn’t they just; if they had only done. It all looks so clear when we can rewind it, slow it down, dissect it.  It seems so easy when we’re not tired, scared, worn down and weak.

  I truly think our pain and embarrassment of what is happening at Penn State is at some level the realization that we are looking on something that could have very well happened in my community, that I could have been that person who turned away, who sheepishly thought, “who am I?” “what could I possibly do?”

  We all have a responsibility to learn and grown from this tragedy.  Conscience and character are muscles, muscles that must be exercised regularly.  We cannot expect to be ready for great moral challenges when we neglect to work out on the smaller daily moral challenges.  How often do I ignore offensive humor; how often have I turned away, driven past someone or something, failed to help,failed to call, failed to do something? We have all failed and sadly, we will fail again.

  I failed this morning with my kids.  I will return to this issue tomorrow with my children to help them grow more fully from the deeper lessons and truths of this story. What I said to my son and daughter wasn’t the wrong but it was cleansed beyond effect. I failed to honestly convey what was that was done wrong and to whom it was done. As a result they will likely not learn vitally important lessons that they need to protect themselves from the Coach Sandusky’s of the world, and to prevent themselves from making the same mistakes that have been made by Coach Paterno and others at Penn State.

  Tomorrow morning I will tell my kids that an assistant football coach at Penn State did inappropriate sexual things to young boys; that he gave the boys tickets to games, and jerseys, and bought them meals so that he could trick them into letting him do things they didn’t want to do.  I will tell them that Coach Sandusky is a sick man and that there are other sick men out there like him; that they should not fear people, but that they should be careful too. I will also tell him that many people at Penn State, including Coach Paterno, knew something had happened to these boys and none of them did all that they could do to stop it, and to save these boys from this coach—and to save this sick man from himself.

  There are indeed no innocent bystanders in this case. Joe Paterno may not be guilty, but he is not innocent either. But neither are any of the others in this case. He may be getting too much attention, but as an old coach he knows very well that coaches get too much credit when teams win and too much blame when they lose. He has certainly known the thrill of victory; and this defeat is no doubt pure agony for him and his family.  He has had many victories, but I’m sure even he would acknowledge having learned more from his defeats. In time we will all hopefully learn from this defeat along with him.

  I cried this afternoon as I read the grand jury testimony. I thought of my own son and I cried. How could he? How could they?  How can we allow such terrible things to happen each day in our homes and school and communities to the most vulnerable?  I mourn for Coach Paterno and for the entire Penn State community but I believe the trustees did the right thing. I particularly mourn for those boys.

  I am reminded of Arthur Miller play, All My Sons. In it the father commits suicide after realizing that his actions, his moral failures, done for self-preservation and the benefit of his own sons, lead to the death of 21 American Pilots. A famous quote from the play, gives us all plenty to reflect on in light of the incidents at Penn State:  “You can be better. Once and for all you can know there’s a universe of people outside and you’re responsible to it.” The father in the play realizes, what we must all realize today:  “They are all our sons and daughters.”  Coach Paterno has been father to so many young men, father to so many student athletes and coaches.  He has done so much good for so many but he also knows that “from those to whom much is given, much is expected.”

  I am sad tonight. I am sad to have witnessed again the depravity of mankind and how one person’s sickness can affect so many. I am sad to see that we all lost in this battle. It is a loss will burn in my belly for a long time. I realize once again that there are no innocent bystanders and  I recommit to stand up for what is right, to speak up on what is wrong, to risk self-preservation and self-promotion for the good of humankind.

  For tonight I’ll just go home and watch a few minutes of a game with my son and hope he doesn’t see the tears run down my face or sense the depths of my sadness.

  

   
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  The Power of Intentional Routines

  Matt Davidson posted in Character Blog at 1:07 pm on October 21, 2011 | 0 Permalink | Reply
  

  In our family we begin meals, as many families do, by sharing in grace together:  we begin when everyone is around the table and holding hands; then we say our grace aloud together, giving thanks for the nourishment, for one another, and for all our many blessings. At the conclusion of grace we raise our hands and emphatically say, AMEN!

  On occasions when one of us—usually my wife or me finishing one last thing—is detained, the rest of the gathered group holds off saying the final Amen.  The group sings aloud AAAAAAAAAA… until the missing person final completes the circle, when we can all grab hands, raise them in the air and emphatically complete the long anticipated conclusion….AAAAAAAAMEN!

  Our kids love this part of the routine, probably because they are empowered by the routine (yes, to sing the long, loud AAAAA) to be gate-keepers of our shared routines. Once, after a few meals of less than enthusiastic AMENs! our youngest daughter, then age 3, wondered aloud, “Why don’t we say AMEN like we used to?”

  This isn’t a piece designed to get you to say grace—although, I think regardless of your faith or worldview it’s a mistake not to be mindful of every gift in our lives and to take nothing for granted.  But this is a piece about the importance of our routines.  In the book, <em>Routines for Our Times,</em> the authors argue “Every time we participate in a ritual [routine], we’re expressing our beliefs.”   Rituals and routines, habits or norms, our shared way—culture.

  Consider the simple case study of our family routine for beginning meals:  our ritual expresses our beliefs about faith, family, and fun.  We all hold hands because it may be the precious few seconds in a day when we physically touch those we love. We give thanks for our nourishment and for those who prepared it. We offer our enthusiastic AMEN from our religious values and traditions where it connotes firm, faithful, exuberant agreement, but also to simply shake us from the dangers of an unmindful, ungrateful, monotony to one of enthusiasm, celebration, and shared belief.  The AMEN also reflects our family’s shared love of simply being loud, goofy, and fun-loving.   It’s a simple but significant routine in the life of our family.

  Our routine for beginning meals is not better or worse than any other routine; there are countless purposeful routines for beginning meals. But I would argue that it fits us (that is, is aligned with our values) and expresses our beliefs. This routine shapes, renews, and challenges us to live our deepest values. Even our three-year old daughter knew we were losing something essential when we had lost our enthusiastic AMEN.  Her excitement for and belief in our routine inspired her to challenge the rest of us to stop going through the motions.

  I have had to coach up our kids when they began to use the hand holding as a time to check on who had NOT washed their hands.   I put my foot down and passionately teach, “Hey folks, listen up: first, wash your hands before you come to the table. That’s disgusting. Second, remember what we’re doing here: this is a time to connect to one another and to be mindful of our gifts. This is important. Do it the right way. Do it our way.”

  Bottom line:  our routines both  REFLECT and REINFORCE our values.  Rituals  and routines matter deeply, since, as we have argued so many times before:  Culture (our shared norms and habits) shapes character (values in action).  If we lose sight of what we do and why we do it we are in danger of expressing and reinforcing what is likely counter to our  espoused or desired values.  As Tom Lickona put so simply and powerfully: “we must practice what  we preach, but we must also preach what we practice.”

  I have been reflecting lately in earnest on the ways in which my personal routines (for prayer,  for fitness, for creative work, for busy work, for rejuvenation and relationships) contribute to or detract from my values and goals.  I am constantly reflecting on the  routines for our team at IEE, for the teams I coach, for the boards I serve on. IEE’s Culture of Excellence and Ethics Tools are research-based strategies for shaping intentional culture around attitude, effort, communication, negotiation, etc.—basically any skill or behavior that indviduals need for efficiently and effectively working and living together.

  I am constantly surprised by the power of intentional routines: proactive, positive, shared organizational habits are absolutely transformative.  I’m equally surprised by the damage incurred  by unintentional routines. Remember, if we don’t define the rituals and routines then they’re up for grabs, and when it’s all up for grabs you simply get what you get.

  I recommend that we all take some time and begin to reflect on our  rituals and routines.  Do they express our  espoused values? Do we remember how and why we do what we do?  Are our routines contributing to or  detracting from our deepest values?   If we talk about faith, family, and fun why  does dinner reflect and reinforce something totally opposite?

  So what if you, your family, class, team or company has forgotten, or never knew or even had intentional routines?  Don’t despair. It’s never too late to get intentional.  And, as the saying goes, “there’s no such  thing as justice, there’s just us.” If you don’t like how we do things, then let’s fix it, change it, reshape it, remake it. And if it’s still not quite  right, then revise it again. Because here’s a little secret: the process is the  intervention! It is in and through discussions of what we do and why we do it that  we also reflect and reinforce our shared values.  You’re never going to get perfect rituals and  routines. They’re living, breathing, evolving entities that reflect and  reinforce, support and challenge us. It’s all about discovering, uncovering, and recovering  intentionality.

  Intense and intentional culture reflects and reinforces the character and culture needed to truly achieve our unique potential. With something as important as our routines,  don’t guess or assume, hope or pray; instead, establish, reinforce, remind, and recreate  anew—get intentional.

  

   
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  "Feed the teachers so they don't eat the students"

  Matt Davidson posted in Character Blog at 12:06 pm on October 11, 2011 | 2 Permalink | Reply
  

  “Feed the teachers so they don’t eat the students.” So read a sign I remember seeing at a conference many years ago. This humorous truism has  stayed with me all these years later. In fact, the dark and humorous truth of this statement echoes in my head these days as I travel and converse with educators across the country. One thing is clear: educators today feel stressed out and maxed out, pressured by time and expectations, with too much to cover, too little time to do it, and all the while budgets continue to tighten. When you feel like you’re doing everything you can, and it’s still not enough, resentful demoralization often sets in. Whether you’re an administrator, a team or department leader, I recommend that you heed this wise advice and “feed the teachers, so they don’t eat the students.”

  There is really no bad time to invest in the culture and competencies of your professional team—but there are often times when it seems counterintuitive to do so. And I think we are in one of those time periods now:  How, you might ask, how in these difficult economic and educational circumstances can you “afford” to spend time establishing or reestablishing your organizational habits?  How can you “afford” to establish or reestablish collegiality, trust, respect, and the overall professional and ethical learning community?  Because, we would argue, precisely amid these challenging economic and educational circumstances, if you do not invest in intentionally developing the staff character and culture, the result will be a faculty and staff who are resentful and demoralized; they will turn on each other, the administrators, students and staff.  In the very time when you need to band together, to work smarter and harder, to try new ideas and strategies for reaching and teaching students, they will instead begin shutting down, tuning out, turning against the organizational leaders and turning on each other, their students and parents—and eventually the profession as a whole.

  So what can you do?  In our Culture of Excellence Ethics Professional Development Toolkits we offer to educators knowledge and tools they can use for building the culture and competencies NEEDED FOR teaching learning. I am going to offer several that we use in our Professional Development Toolkits for educators that can be used to develop more intentional organizational habits for working together. The more tense and volatile the circumstances, the more stressed and maxed out the individuals, the more important it is to get intentional about your norms for working together.  So, here’s what I would recommend:

  1. Develop a Touchstone to reestablish your shared vision and values.

  This isn’t a mission statement; it’s not meant to be a prolonged or painful organizational visioning process.  It’s meant to provide a rough and ready recalibration of current and desired state. It’s meant rally the group, to help clarify in an otherwise crazy world, your shared values. It is a simple, “good enough” process to recapture some sense of shared organizational mission and vision, to remind us we’re in this together, and that while we may have profound disagreements about many things, we can find a set of shared values from which to work together. (Contact me directly and I’ll send you the process; here’s an abbreviated description).

  Using  the streamlined process we have developed developing a touchstone simply requires you taking the group back to you foundational documents (review your  mission statement, review your strategic goals, etc.), drawing out from these  the core moral and performance character values that drive your work together.  Be sure to highlight in particular the spoken (or unspoken) operative values  that will be NEEDED FOR your work together now, in this economic and education climate, with the particular individuals on your team. I don’t have to know  your mission statement to know that you’ll need collaboration, communication,  trust, collegiality, hard work, perseverance and positive attitude.

  Take those values and then turn  them into a set of “we statements” that describe how you will carry out your  work together.  For example, “We support  and challenge each other in our quest for excellence. We are honest but  respectful. We are fair to everyone—including those not present. We learn from  our mistakes and keep moving forward.”  4  to 8 powerful statements that provide a set of operative values to guide us and  to strive for, reminding us of who we are and how we want to do our business. Those  same values that were on the wall or in those core documents before are still  relevant; but, we must make sure that they speak to us today. HOW we work  together towards our shared goals is essential; it ensures that we pursue our goals with personal and collective responsibility and integrity.   As a group we need some sense of here’s what  we’re up against, and here are the values that have sustained us in the past that we must draw upon in earnest to succeed against the challenges we face.

  How long will it takes? It  depends, of course. But I lead a retreat this summer where we did a touchstone  in about 25 minutes. I’ve done them over the course of a few weeks in steps that may have totaled about 2-3 hours, but where the overall task was done  through 20-30 minute increments. (I would also suggest as part of the process,  that each member of the staff write out their own personal touchstone that  describes the values behind why and how they teach.)  Remember, the process is the intervention. This  is the chance for discussions, for debate, for challenging ourselves. Okay, we  may not have always lived up to this statement, but we still believe in it, right? Okay, then let’s get it down in writing and let’s recommit to live this out.

  2. Develop  a Compact for Excellence.

  If the Touchstone gives you your desired state (who do we want to be and  how will we accomplish our vision?), your operational statement of espoused  values, then a Compact for Excellence is your tool for guiding lived behavior. Okay, if we say we learn from our mistakes and are honest but respectful what will do  and not do—specifically, behaviorally, in the real contexts, situations, and  interactions of our life. We take a simple prompt, “In order to do our best  work and treat each other with respect and care, we agree to do…. (or not  do)….”:  “Begin and end on time. Attack  the problem not the person. Listen actively to all ideas. Do what we say we’re  going to do. Speak with one voice once we have a decision.” We often create a  number of Portable Compacts to guide behavior in particular situations. Before  we begin discussing students of need let’s create a compact (stay on task, keep  the information in confidence, be positive, seek solutions); before meeting with an angry parent or frustrated student (let’s agree to keep our voices  down, listen to each other, seek positive solutions, etc.).  The Touchstone provides big the values-based vision; a Compact (and really a series of portable Compacts) ensures that in  our daily interactions we put into action in our lived behaviors our espoused  values.  (Again, glad to share this  particular tool with any who are interested).

  3. Develop norms for brainstorming.

  Especially  when you’re short on time and resources you need creative thinking, you need  collaboration, you need the collective talents, abilities, and insights of your  entire team. And yet, precisely when we need to work together the most, we are  often most likely to not listen, not value each other’s perspective and  experiences.  Whether we’re figuring out  what to teach, how to make the most of resources, what to cut, what to keep, or  any other important decision, setting norms for brainstorming will ensure efficient and effective deliberations. Simple, right? Yes. And yet how often do  we begin without these norms only to watch the mayhem ensue? I propose an idea,  you shoot it down; one person dominates the conversation; several people offer  nothing; all the while the group is becoming more and more toxic. We’re wasting vital time and energy and undermining collegiality.  Instead we ought to set norms intentionally  for our intended outcomes, the established process, and the allotted time.

  There’s a time for brainstorming and there’s a time for problem solving, and there’s a time for decision making. Clarity about these essential steps in the  process will go a long way to building the confidence and trust of the group  (the world may be crazy, but in our little piece of it we have some order, some  control, something that feels positive and productive).  (Again, glad to share our Culture of Excellence Ethics Brainstorming tool as a model for any who are interested).

  4. Establish a process for  negotiating differences.

  If you work in a group of  people—even if you have shared vision from a Touchstone, a Compact to guide  behavior, and norms for brainstorming—you will still have points of  disagreement where you will need to negotiate. Our Culture of Excellence &  Ethics Win-Win Negotiation tool lays out an organizational norm for negotiating  that contributes to efficient and effective group work. It takes a very complex process and breaks it down into its basics: at the core, negotiation is an I  WANT, YOU WANT, WE COULD process. We need to express clearly our needs and  desires (how many times we lose track of what we’re fighting for or about). We  have to be able to articulate what the other party wants (again, simple stuff, but if you don’t truly active listen and articulate what you hear the other party asking for, you can expect unproductive conflict). Finally, we knowing what I want, and what you want, we need to use creative thinking in coming up  with win-win solutions. We need to think outside the box, try new things, and  make principled compromises.  (Again,  glad to share this tool with any who are interested).

  It’s tough time for educators. We can’t do business as usual any  more. We need to improve and evolve the craft. We owe to ourselves and to our  students. But, as the old adage says, “you can’t give what you ain’t got.”  We need to build up our organizational habits  so that they build up our staff, so that they have the personal and collective  support they need to serve the important educational and social goals facing our students, families, and communities. Sometimes you have to slow down to go fast. Look at what you’re doing and how you’re doing it; recover or  re-establish intentionality. Your teachers will thank you, and your students will be the direct beneficiaries. “Feed the teachers, so they don’t eat the students.”